My Life's Story (kinda)

I had this blog created because it was required of me for my old American Lit class last winter, but this post and all future posts (assuming I don't end up in a class requiring me to do this again lol) will be my choice and will be about most likely my life, which is the topic for today's post. I won't blog that often as it really depends but I at least wanted this one out there to share some of my life's story. I won't be talking about EVERYTHING just things I feel are important right now to put out there so a quick warning this will probably be extremely long (we'll see) and I won't be naming names in this post but if those people were to read this they will know it's them, so with that said let's begin!!

My name is Kyle and I am 26 years old. Born to my mother (OBVIOUSLY!!!!!) and my "Father" David Nolan. He was born October 12th 1958??(something like that it's around there) . I know what ur thinking. You thought I said I wasn't going to name names. Truth is he doesn't count. Why doesn't he though? Well before I turned the age of one he abandoned me and for the most part I'm ok with that fact. I've become a better person for it. I know not to ever hit a woman, I know not to ever cheat, I know never to leave/abandon your family. I know what it's like without a father, why would I want my children (if I ever have any! :/ ) to suffer the same experience? I always say to myself if I have to endure these lonely feelings and experiences just so my family doesn't have too then I will accept that price every single time. 

It makes me sick to see so many of my friends get cheated on or left simply because they weren't ready to be a father. That isn't a real man, and you are promoting that behavior by staying with them. You all deserve so much better than that ALL of you. A lot of you think poorly of yourself simply because the person you are/were with told you that you were worth nothing. You need to listen. They are the one that isn't worth anything, if they can't see how awesome you are. I know some incredible people and these people who are with you should consider themselves the luckiest guys alive, but they simply take it for granted. I know I'm very lucky that I know a lot of you guys. Don't take that stuff for granted. When there is something real you'll know it, when its not there  don't force it. It's NEVER going to change (more likely it won't).   I wanted to be a Radio DJ growing up, but here's the thing that's what my father was, so in a effort to remain as different as him as possible I decided I'd do elementary school teaching, but  I just wouldn't have the heart to enjoy it as a career.  I'm usually the advice guy, you know someone has a problem I'm usually there for them if they need me.  So it just became a natural fit for me to do Psychology, so right now I'm working on my degree to become a Psychologist (Therapist). I'm insanely excited for that!

Backtracking a bit. I used to go to the bowling alley every Friday and during the summers Thursday from age 6-18. I met some great people there. Some I've kept in connect with and some that I haven't. One of my very first crushes (I'd say second) was this girl I met there. I literally had this crush on her from age I'd say 10-18. I chased her for 8 years. Do I regret it?  Sort of. I mean I didn't really date between that time(I'll get to that in a minute)  I hate that I chased for so long, but see the thing about me is once I have feelings for a girl, she's the only girl I can have feelings for. I'm extremely loyal when it comes to that kind of stuff. I asked her out a few times, but got laughed at basically.  She did tell me later in life that she should've given me a chance which was nice to hear but as you can imagine doesn't really help. My first love was when I was 16. I dated this girl and it was actually a long distance thing. I didn't care and we made it work. We were together for over 14 months. I loved her so much and when we broke up I just lost it. You know how teens get right? Thinking that life is over, but time really does heal and honestly her and myself are still friends to this day. It's kind of weird to know next month will be the 10 year anniversary if when her and I started to date though lol. It really felt like yesterday.

After the break up my senior year of high school started and I remet someone who I knew from Elementary school and long story short we became really good friends. It wasn't for awhile (like 8 months) that one day I realize i'm always happy and smiling around this person when I knew I was going to hang out with her or just got back from hanging out.  It was then I realized I had fallen for her, and I told her just before I hit 21 but I think it was a mistake because we quit talking shortly after that, I think it may have been a coincidence on that because we just went on different life paths at that point but once that happened it caused me to how should I put it.. Suffer from a pretty bad depression that lasted almost 4 years. Speaking of 4 years that's how long it was till I spoke to my friend again. We hung out and I was wondering if I still had feelings for her.. I saw her and instantly knew that I still was. It was up to 3 months ago that I still felt that way, and to a certain extent I do but I had to move on because again... I just spent another 8 years chasing a second girl. I know how it sounds and i'm pretty dumb for it but nobody can never tell me I didn't try. 

Truth is I realized just today (Because I watched Once Upon a Time finale! it's good!!)  that if I went back in time and something changed to where I didn't know that person(she didn't know me) and we weren't friends because of it.. I'd literally feel destroyed.  I honestly feel like now that I know her and everything.. if something were to happen where we never met etc that would become my own personal hell, and truthfully I've never felt that way about anybody before. Don't get me wrong. i'm so lucky to know and have met all my friends and I wouldn't change that for anything, but you know what I mean right?

I know eventually i'll have a family and children of my own and I can't wait for that day. I just hope it's not when i'm 40 when i'd be too old to play with my children. I don't want to see their disappointed face if I have to tell them I can't play cause i'm "too tired" or something.  I blamed my past on various things and honestly it wasn't the best but i'm doing something about it to make right here and now and beyond to become the life that I've always wanted.  I think i'm doing a good job at making that happen. I really look forward to what the future has in store and I hope to find someone that actually wants me for who I am, and not for what I have or for what I look like. I want a Chance to prove i'm worthy. I mean, someone wants you to marry them that's one of the greatest honors.. Ideally we only get married once in our lives and for someone to want me to be that person for them that's such a honor to have and so many people nowadays take that for granted =/.  I'm sorry for all of those who feel that way but yet their married counterpart didn't.

This wasn't my entire life's story, but maybe i'll fill in gaps from time to time this is just what I wanted out in case I never got the chance.

Thanks for reading!

Famous Poets

As mentioned before I've been reading/writing poetry for the last 3 weeks or so for my Literature class and I'll be honest I've been kind of bored. I've never really been a fan of Emily Dickinson and yes I know saying that out loud will make people *GASP* but honestly while her poems are good, great even  I can never get over the fact that she is so popular and it really affects my ability to enjoy such things. No I'm not a hipster type that hates things when they are popular but when it comes to reading I don't want to feel like I'm being "forced" into reading it know what I mean? That's why I never really read the novels assigned to us in high school. I understand they are classics and I did myself a huge disservice it's just I can't get involved and absorbed into the story that makes reading fun. I have to want it and anytime something is either popular or assigned to me I feel like I HAVE to read it or I'd miss out (or fail!!) and that's just not fun for me!  So with all that being said reading famous poetry hasn't been that fun for me the last few weeks even though poetry is my strong suit. I would have preferred maybe discovering new poems or more underrated poems/poets but yet still met the requirement of being allowed in a American literature textbook.  I can already tell what will be said in response to this and that's the second part of the course will make me happy because I think it's like  mid 1800s (I think...) to present day. Which is true I suppose but I have no idea if I can take it yet!

Regardless I had a fun semester overall and it did make me want to read more and it's something I've been pushing myself to do for 5 years or more now.

More Poetry of Mine!

I wasn't planning on another blog today, but why not right?  Well I will briefly discuss what my poem from yesterday is about "No Matter What" and then share another poem that I've written. As a disclaimer and as I mentioned yesterday these poems do NOT 100% reflect how I feel. However there may be some truth to what is said in the poems in how I feel, however it's greatly intensified for artistic purposes. So with that being said it's time to explain the poem from yesterday.


Basically the poem is about me and betraying myself.  I failed to trust myself and didn't realize it in till it was too late because the person I was before was "dead" that I've become too far gone and different that I could never get myself back again but then noticed if I realize this then I must not be as far gone as I thought (Hence the death has come to claim you (It came, but didn't succeed) ) and I promised myself not to abandon who I am anymore.



Ok so this short poem I wrote in 2004 so no laughing at me!  8/8/04 be exact!  I was 16 when I wrote this (Wow time flies by huh?!!)

Lonely Night

 

It's a lonely night without you

I miss you more than ever

My heart aches for you

I feel the night betray me

for it will never end

just like the tears

just like the pain

It won't go away

I'll never be alright

I'll never be ok

till you are by my side

please end this night

This lonely night

 

 

I feel like I could add to this now that I'm older but I hold value into something I created 9 years ago so I'll just leave it as is! 

 



No Matter What

As I mentioned yesterday I will share a poem I written recently. I will say before I share it that what it says isn't 100% reflective on how I really feel. I like to just write poetry no matter  what the subject(s) happen to be about while I admit there are truths to my poems but for example if the poem was about depression or love  that doesn't mean I'm depressed or in love. It simply means those are good poetry topics so why not make poems based on those themes!

No Matter What

 

 

No matter what

We will always be friends

I take that vow to my very end

No matter what

Fate brought us together

Promise me you will stay always and forever

No matter what

I never realized till now our friendship was true

You always helped me when I didn't know what to do

No matter what

I promise to stay by your side though thick and thin

I felt invincible protecting you from what you felt within

No matter what

I failed you because death has come to claim you

I will always remember you no matter what I do

No matter what

 

 

 

There you go! I hope you like it and I will reveal what it's about in a few days but till then comment and tell me on your thoughts





Lit the past to ignite the future

Thanksgiving was recently and I have to admit I don't have a lot to be thankful for apart from a handful of friends and the fact i'm in college right now to basically "ignite" my future.  My blog title is American Lit past for more then 1 reason. 1. Obviously to represent the past literatures of American history however there is a personal meaning behind it. I for the longest time would hold on to the past always shining a light on it or keeping it lit  in other words instead of looking at my present and seeing what i'm doing now will ignite my future, which in my eyes makes whatever happened in my past not that important anymore  when I realized things aren't the same anymore because it's better and will continue to get better.

It's fitting that I made the title that I did to express myself as it's kind of  a bit poetic and we happen to be working on poetry right now so it seems the perfect time to reflect upon those kind of things.  Speaking of working and reading poetry I write poetry and have for many years although it's been about 2 years since I've written new material. I have done just that since starting the new "Pod" for my literature class and I will share those with everyone starting tomorrow.

The Gift of the Magi

To continue with the theme of the last 2 posts I will talk to you about the third and last short story that I enjoyed growing up.   Any guesses?  The answer is of course The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry. What about this story appealed to young Kyle you might ask? Well I've always been the loyal type to my friends and the romantic type to those that I'm interested in  even back when I was younger.  *Spoiler Alert* but the fact a couple sacrificed things they held so dear to them for the other one was very touching to me. The man sold his watch that was passed down thru his family to buy a set of combs for his wife  while the woman sold her hair for a chain for the husband's watch. Not only does this tell you how well they know each other but also shows you the love they have for each other to willingly  give up something  to show how much that person means to them not to mention the fact  they weren't even mad at each other once they found out what happened. The knowledge they gained that day was the true gift and that is priceless.

The Tell-Tale Heart

To continue with the theme of the last blog I will talk about another story that I quite enjoyed growing up. I mentioned there are very few stories that I was "forced" to read during school that I actually ended up liking a lot. Sleepy Hollow  and the other being The Tell-Tale Heart.  Maybe I like it because it's a very short story but the Psychologist in me really enjoys what Edgar Allan Poe tried to share with his readers with this story. It's basically about the narrator who throughout the story tries to convince the reader that he's not crazy when what he talks about in the story is completely contradictory to that statement and he is in fact very crazy due to his extreme nervousness condition. The part that intrigues me is not that he is trying to lie to us by saying he's a sane man but the fact he actually believes he's not crazy.  Probably one of my favorite lines from the story is when he says " ...observe how healthily --how calmly I can tell you the whole story" It's odd to me because this tells me by him saying he will tell you what happened "calmly" meaning what happened doesn't bother him in the slightest which to me gives further evidence that he isn't completely sane and I shouldn't trust what he says to be truth.  I don't want to spoil the rest of the plot for those who haven't read it yet  but I genuinely suggest you do so and let me know what you thought!